Journal Entry: Softness in a Performative World

Today, I’m noticing a sense of emotional distance—quiet, flat, not overwhelming, but persistent. There’s a muted quality to my interactions and my inner state. I don’t feel particularly connected, and I’m not actively seeking to be.

I continue to notice a lack of safety in relationship—not due to immediate harm, but because I often feel the need to adjust, adapt, or mirror others in order to maintain a sense of ease. I value giving others space to be themselves, but I often feel a subtle pressure to shift myself toward sameness—to reflect their likeness back to them as a kind of unspoken agreement.

This tendency shows up most clearly in work or social environments, where I’ve observed a pattern: people, often with good intentions, use shame to steer others toward what they perceive as a more “positive” or “appropriate” state. There’s often an underlying message—don’t be too heavy, too quiet, too different. The aim may be to uplift, but it bypasses the reality of how someone is actually showing up.

Especially when anhedonia and emotional numbness are involved—the approach needs to be soft, spacious, and non-performative. But that kind of approach often feels missing. Instead, there seems to be a collective discomfort with authenticity that doesn’t immediately resolve or conform.

Right now, I don’t feel fully safe to share myself. But I am open to exploring what it might look like to move toward that—slowly, in small ways, on my own terms.

CRD Home continues to feel like a meaningful part of that process. A space where I don’t have to warp myself into belonging. A place where I can remain intact, even in stillness.

For now, I’m staying with what’s real, without needing to reshape it.